Depression

It took courage.  I finally admitted to those closest to me that I had been facing depression for months, if not years..  I was working two jobs, my wife and I had five boys, and I was emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.  The advice I received was try harder.  They didn't say that exactly, but it was what I heard.  What I was told was that if I felt drained, I should spend more time praying and in studying the scriptures, I should exercise more, I should get more sleep, and just trust God more.  I was working 50-55 hours a week in my "full time" job, and that job had me walking 10-14 miles a day.  So, the exercise part was laughable to both my wife and I.  The pray and study more part was difficult, because my second job at the time was being the preaching/teaching pastor at my church.  A lot of my "free" time was spent in preparing sermons.  At that point, I almost resented being a pastor.  And yet, the advice given was to double down.  As for the suggestion that I should sleep more, I wasn't sure how that could happen.  But I tried.  My wife picked up more responsibilities, and we made an effort for me to get more sleep.  I probably added 30 minutes a day to my sleep time in the months that followed.

A turning point, not in the depression, but in regards to my resolve, came when I had a follow up meeting with those closest to me.  What came out of it was that my mistakes from years before, which I had been led to believe were minor, were major obstacles that had eroded trust between us and had made the past three years of my ministry had in essence been a hindrance to the ministry I had been called to.  I walked out of that meeting knowing that it was time for me to resign from my position.  And so I did.

I thought that with one less responsibility, maybe the burden I was carrying would lighten.  Actually the opposite happened.  My depression increased.  Now I was a man who had not only lost his vision, but also his sense of purpose. In a sense, I felt like it was me against the world, or maybe a better way to say it was the world was against me.  I found myself lashing out at times at some of the people I love, whether publicly or more often in my own mind.  I was hurting, and instead of letting people in it was easier to push them away.  After all, I can't get hurt by people that I push away.  At least that was how I was acting. 

As Robert Rohr says "If we don't learn to transform the pain we will transfer it."  And I'm not proud about it, but that is sometimes what I did.  Maybe it was paranoia, and maybe it was just pain.  But it felt like things were more personal time and time again.  People I didn't realize I had put so much trust in used words or actions that cut straight into my soul.  And as a result, it was easier to push people away than risk more pain. 

I wish I could say this is all in the past and I'm better now.  I can't.  I have some OK days, and some low days.  I'm being intentional in making changes, such as spending little to no time on social media, eliminating some of the distractions that take up time that is better spent elsewhere, learning to say "no" more, etc.  I am also on a waiting list to see a counselor. Tricia and I have rekindled a friendship with another couple that has been helpful in taking steps towards trusting again. I've been more purposeful in what I listen to, such as listening to the complete N.T. several times in a few week period instead of other stuff, and maybe all of these baby steps will help to get me back to where I should be. 

I recall hearing Brennan Manning say that it shocked some people that he became an alcoholic after he had been a Christian and in the ministry for years.  “Often I have been asked, 'Brennan, how is it possible that you became an alcoholic after you got saved?'  It is possible because I got battered and bruised by loneliness and failure, because I got discouraged, uncertain, guilt-ridden, and took my eyes off Jesus. Because the Christ-encounter did not transfigure me into an angel."  That is something I can relate to.  Maybe not the alcoholic part, but the rest of what he said.  I admire Brennan's candor, especially near the end of his life when he wrote about all his struggles and failures, and yet how the grace of God was enough. 

I remember hearing Randy Alcorn talk about how when he faced a period of depression some people thought it showed a lack of faith.  He says that looking back on that time, he realized it was a gift from God that helped his faith ultimately to grow deeper.  I hope that someday I can look back on these past couple years and say the same.  As for now, it's one day at a time, one step at a time. 

For now, I often times find the deepest cry of my heart is summed up in words penned by Edge when he wrote "Jesus, Jesus help me.  I'm alone in this world, and a ****** up world it is too.  Tell me.  Tell me the stories.  The one's about eternity, and the way it's all gonna be."