PART 2 (Part 1 can be found here: https://rvl.blogspot.com/2022/07/abuse-in-church-memoir.html)
In 1996 I graduated high school. Around that time the Internet exploded and no longer was it necessary to stealthily go to a gas station to buy pornography, much less try to find a way to keep it hidden. Now, with just a few strokes on the keyboard, a plethora of pornographic material was accessible in the privacy of my home or apartment. I simultaneously still found it exhilarating and hated myself for returning to it time and time again.
Over the next decade there were periods of avoiding pornography, and relapses. On one occasion, in my early 20’s, I swallowed my pride, approached a friend and admitted I was struggling with porn. He didn’t help, but he did tell a few others what I’d told him. This alienated me more, and caused me to internalize my struggle more. My philosophy for several years after my failed attempt to get help was to not trust anyone. This was my problem, and I was on my own to figure it out.
A number of years later, and in a new state, I finally met a couple men who I trusted to open up to about what was going on in my life—the good, the bad and the ugly. These guys would meet up with me for coffee on a regular basis and we would talk about anything or everything. They were ok with moving beyond the superficial issues that were normally discussed by Christians. They would listen. They would ask tough questions. They weren’t scared by my failures. They walked along side me helping me realize that I didn’t have to carry the burden on my own. It was the first time the secrecy of the sin was peeled back, allowing me to realize that change was possible. When failures occurred, I was encouraged to repent, accept the grace of God and move forward. Crawling turned into baby steps. And over time, baby steps turned into walking. Stumbling still took place, but I had been given the freedom to believe I could walk and encouraged to get up when I did fall.
It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s, maybe even 40’s, until I looked back at what happened at my childhood church and saw it for what it was. It was abuse. It was an adult abusing the power he had to corrupt a minor. Where I had always thought of it as a foolish act on the part of someone who was older, I now learned it was a federal crime—distribution of obscenity to a minor. He demonstrated patterns of grooming. He would encourage us to break the rules, starting off in minor ways (music, cards, gambling) and make me promise not to tell. After I demonstrated I would go along, he upped the ante with pornography, again, demanding secrecy. As I went along, more and more porn was introduced and more and more secrecy was demanded. What would have happened if our paths hadn’t gone different directions? Was I the only one being groomed?
While I believe background checks, mandatory reporting of any impropriety to law enforcement (not only church leaders,) and safeguards being put in place are non-negotiable, I readily acknowledge that the 19 year old leader probably would have passed a background check. However, if safeguards had been in place, such as an adult not spending time one-on-one with a minor under their authority, things may have turned out differently.
My parents’ generation, and churches at the time, didn’t talk about sex, sexuality, abuse, and pornography openly. After all, I still hear from their generation, where some have the mindset that they don’t want to speak things into being. In other words, if we talk about sex then the kids will think about it and start doing it. The reality is, kids were doing it even when their parents or church were not talking about it. Looking back, I don’t blame my parents, but I do wish they would have been proactive in talking to me about sex.
A couple years ago I first disclosed portions of what I wrote about in my previous post to leaders of the church I grew up in. I was told not to speak negatively about a church that has done so much to help people. I was told, indirectly, that speaking in such a way could hinder people from hearing the gospel, or ruin the church’s testimony. I strongly disagree. Allowing the sins of the past, or present, to remain in the shadows ruins the church’s testimony. Exposing our sins, asking for forgiveness, and clearly demonstrating that the church must change to become a safe place is a way to improve the relationship of the church in the community. Doing this would demonstrate we, as the church, care about more than just protecting our reputation.
While we are discussing uncomfortable topics, let’s look at a few statistics surrounding sex, and sexual exposure and youth in the United States.
Silence has been tried, in the home and in the church and, as I believe statistics demonstrate, it has failed. Research has found that states where residents demonstrate high levels of strong religious beliefs, such states also have high levels of teen birth rates (Peck, 2009). And that only accounts for teen birth rates. While, as the same study showed, there does seem to be a lower rate of abortion in the states with strong religious beliefs (Peck), where cases of pregnancy exist, sexual activity is evident.
In the U.S., the average age for first sexual intercourse is 16.8 years for boys and 17.2 years for girls (Adolescent Sexuality in the United States, 2020). And that’s sexual intercourse, so does not include other sexual encounters and sexual activities.
A report published in 2017 found that the average age of first pornography exposure to be around 13 years old, and that the earlier a boy was introduced to pornography shaped their view of sexuality—especially when it comes to seeking power over women through sex, or engaging in a “playboy” lifestyle (“Age of First Exposure to Pornography Shapes Men’s Attitudes toward Women,” 2017). This study was published five years ago. Consider that those being interviewed for the study were from their late teens all the way up to their 50’s, the average age is likely lower as more and more children have unfiltered access to internet connected devices. Other research places average age of first exposure at between age 11 and 12 but shares the concerns about the way pornography shapes how people approach sexuality. (What to Know about Adolescent Pornography Exposure | Psychology Today, n.d). Another study, published in 2020, concluded that the earlier a child is exposed to sexual explicit material, the more likely they are to engage in riskier sexual practices as they approach adulthood (Lin et al., 2020).
Sexual content is rampant in our culture. It is more easily accessible today than in the past, even the not-so-distant-past. If we want today’s youth to have a sanctified view of sex and sexuality, we cannot wait or remain silent. If we are silent, or if we kick the can down the road, the view of sex that will likely be their teacher will be a pornified view, and not a healthy view.
If parents, or churches or Christian schools won’t talk about sex, sexuality, pornography, abuse and other related issues, this does not mean their children will not learn about these issues. Even growing up in a conservative evangelical/fundamentalist—and protected--environment, I was exposed to sexually explicit materials. Parents, schools, and others can be proactive in using technology to reduce accessibility to harmful content. But no web-filter or porn-blocker can keep a child from seeing a magazine someone may bring into his or her presence. Aside from my youth group experience, I remember that when I was a junior at a conservative Baptist high, a senior show one of his classmates that he had a porn magazine in his Bible case in his locker.
Let’s imagine that a child is kept from seeing sexually explicit material before they reach adulthood, and before they meet and marry their spouse. We need to understand, they are likely to be in the minority. And, if the one they meet, date, marry was exposed to pornography, even the protected individual will have their sex life impacted by their partners pornified view of sex.
Going back to the purity culture slogans from the 90’s, simply asking/knowing if someone is a virgin, does not mean someone is sexually pure. And in other cases, someone may be sexually pure and not be a virgin—i.e. a victim of sexual assault, or a married person who is chaste. I like the term my wife uses when speaking on sexuality at the non-profit she is associated with. She talks about sexual integrity. A rape victim may not be a virgin, but they can maintain their sexual integrity. A married person won’t be a virgin, but can maintain sexual integrity. On the flip side, someone who is a virgin, but binges on porn, lacks sexual integrity.
Part of my desire as a parent is to teach my sons healthy sexuality. In addition to helping them know the signs, and hopefully avoid the pitfalls of unhealthy sexuality, teaching them about healthy sexuality can help to protect them from abuse.
My wife and I started at a very young age talking to our boys about human bodies, especially their bodies. We teach them the correct names of body parts. We have been approached by a few people who, when they discovered our approach, say we are giving our sons too much power. We disagree. When the boys know their body parts, if someone touches them in an inappropriate way, they have the language to talk to us about it.
We’ve discussed pornography. One way we discuss pornography with the boys is by using the book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/21538451-good-pictures-bad-pictures). Our desire is to foster an environment that if and when our boys come across pornography, or other questionable material, as awkward as it may be, they will feel safe in coming to talk to us.
We do not sit down and have one 100 minute conversation about the birds and the bees and all things related to sex with our sons. We’ve had 50 five minute conversations over a span of years, and in the years to come plan to have 50 more. We have told our boys they can talk to us at any time about anything related to sex, sexuality, abuse, pornography, and so forth, and we are open to conversations, or we are willing to just listen. We told them we may not approve or like all they have to say along the way, but we are here to help them along their journey.
I know that my view of sex was tainted from the start. Pornography warps sex. Instead of desiring what is best for one’s partner, and mutual pleasure, pornography places the focus on my pleasure, my desires, and my fulfillment. If others are harmed in the process, the pornographic mindset says my desires trump the wants, needs, and safety of others. On the flip side, if I love my spouse the way I love myself, I will seek their satisfaction and safety over my own selfish desires. I will serve them, I will love them, and I will not claim a right to something that cannot be taken, but must be freely given.
When it comes to sex and sexual integrity I want better for my sons. I want my boys to learn about healthy sexuality, and to go into a sexualized world with their eyes and hearts determined to live lives of integrity. I don’t want them to learn about sex and sexuality from those who do not have their best interest in mind. And therefore I do talk about sex with my sons, I will continue to talk about sex with my sons, and I hope to save them, and their future partners, some of the heartbreak that I and my wife and countless other couples have faced.
I have decided to speak up about the grooming and introduction to pornography I was subjected to (see part 1) because I believe things can change and must change. I have decided to speak up about why and how I think things need to change. To allow the status quo to remain is to allow more unhealthy sexuality to flourish. The stakes are too high. When it comes to my past, I cannot change things. But when it comes to the future, I want to take the lessons I’ve learned, the failures I’ve encountered, and the hopes I have and channel them to bring about change that says the buck stops with me and my generation. I do not have to settle for a marriage marred by the sins of my past. I can work to make the next 15 or 50 years of marriage better than the first 15 years of marriage. I do not have to throw up my hands and give up in defeat that my sons can have healthier view of sex than I had entering marriage. So, as uncomfortable as it may be, I’ve decided to speak up.
This is also why I’ve decided that the hush-hush and secrecy surrounding pornography must also come to an end. Pornography is common in our society, as well as in the church. It shouldn’t be common in either if we truly care about the women or men around us. But, as long as it is allowed to remain in the shadows, or even encouraged to do so, the problem will persist, grow and flourish. So, I choose to speak up and say lust and the pornographic approach to sex are a struggle that I have had, and likely will have until the day I die! But, that doesn’t let me off the hook regarding my complicity to this sin. I must remain open and honest with my wife about my history with pornography, and the damage I know it has played on my thoughts. My innocence was taken when pornography was introduced to me. However, I compromised my sexual integrity when I continued to access it. It isn’t enough for the church to just acknowledge that sexual sins are a temptation that men and women have. The church needs to come alongside those who open up about their struggles and give them the tools necessary to overcome.
My desire is to see both men and women, young and old, long for sexual integrity. I want to see all of us who have sinned speak up and say “I’ve screwed up.” I want my parent’s generation to acknowledge that they screwed up. I want the church to acknowledge where they screwed up. And then I want all of us to do better. I want the church to work to remove the silence around pornography use, not so that its use will increase, but so that those caught in its webs will see it for what it is—a trap—and then for the church to point the way to freedom.
Adolescent sexuality in the United States. (2020, June 9). Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adolescent_sexuality_in_the_United_States
Age of First Exposure to Pornography Shapes Men’s Attitudes Toward Women. (2017, August 3). Https://Www.apa.org. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2017/08/pornography-exposure
Lin, W.-H., Liu, C.-H., & Yi, C.-C. (2020). Exposure to sexually explicit media in early adolescence is related to risky sexual behavior in emerging adulthood. PLOS ONE, 15(4), e0230242. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0230242
PECK, P. (2009, September 17). Religious Belief No Barrier to Teen Pregnancy. ABC News; ABC News. https://abcnews.go.com/Health/Sex/study-finds-teen-pregnancy-common-religious-states/story?id=8602283
What to Know About Adolescent Pornography Exposure | Psychology Today. (n.d.). Www.psychologytoday.com. Retrieved July 15, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-addiction/202202/what-know-about-adolescent-pornography-exposure?fbclid=IwAR0u9LLEron14tJ9K1MAP-JeLkXLt27rgsRdt1HtoCnfeh8Lx1j2NOimCfE
