Going Deeper With Deep Cuts

For as long as I can recall, music has been a part of my story. No, I never learned to play an instrument, and for the most part I can't sing all that well.  But as a young boy, I was drawn to music.  I remember listening to records of Steve Green, cassette tapes of The Cathedrals, listening to the local Christian and oldies stations in Buffalo, day in and day out.  As my teenage years came into view, my taste in music expanded to include pop, rock, CCM, grunge (I turned 13 in 1991 the year grunge exploded).  

For the first 30 years or so of my life, I was drawn to the hits. While amassing over a thousand albums in my collection, a number of the albums were compilations of the greatest hits of an artist or from a genre.  The songs were familiar.  Maybe I even spun some of them while DJ'ing at the student radio station in college, or added them to the carefully crafted mix-tapes I made for my friends in high school.  There were often memories associated with the songs.  Sometime songs brought back memories of a road trip with friends from college.  Other songs I remember hearing live in concert.  Other songs were tagged with nostalgia of an era of my life.  Many of the songs I knew the lyrics by heart.  Some I still do.

As the decades passed, I slowed down on acquiring new music.  This was a practical move on my part  after marrying and starting a family.   With less new music in my collection, I found myself going back to many of the albums that had produced the hits.  But as I spent more time on the albums, I found myself drawn to the hits less, and zeroing in on the deep cuts.  

I can be a little compulsive at times.  Sometimes I hone in on a topic and will read all I can get my hands on that subject.  Then, after months or in some cases years, I move on to another topic.  I can be that way with artist or albums as well.  A few years into my marriage my wife asked if I could please listen to something other than U2 for a bit.  After all, I had been listening to their discography exclusively for around 9 months at that point, in addition to reading a half dozen or so books about or by the band.  

For the past couple weeks I've honed in on an album that came out the year I started my junior year of high school--1994.  This album produced one of the top Christian music hits of the 90's.  The song "Shine" by the Newsboys was on their album Going Public.  I'm not sure why I returned to this album recently, but I've been drawn to two of the songs especially.  The songs are the last two on the album:  When You Called My Name and Ella G.

In 2018 I stepped down from pastoring a small Mennonite church.  When I was asked to pastor the church I had 3 young sons, and was working about 40 hours a week at my other job.  While responsibilities at the church did take time, it wasn't burdensome.  Six years later, I had five sons, and I was working 50-60 hours a week in addition to my responsibilities at church.  I was burned out.  The small business I started while pastoring had failed, leading to emotional and financial stresses.  My depression was back, a topic I will talk about more later.  I reached a breaking point when someone who didn't know what all my wife and I were going through said some hurtful things, crushing my spirit and leading me to turn my short sabbatical into a resignation.  Several years later, I am still trying to heal from the emotional and spiritual impact that period had on me.

Knowing the emotional, physical and spiritual weight of being a pastor makes the lyrics of When You Called My Name hit home for me now in a way that I couldn't even imagine when I was a teenager listening to the cassette on my walkman on the school bus.  

The song starts off with the pastor wondering if they are having any impact on their church.  

I want to preach the Word
They want massages
I check chapter and verse
They check their watches
I spy another yawn
I might as well be gone

Let's stand and say "Amen"   

The pastor goes on to lay out the emotional, physical and spiritual grind that ministry can take on someone.

Some days I must admit

I still don't get this

Could be it's time to quit

When days get like this

I slip into the night

Then stumble towards the light

Wake up and try again

The second verse is more of the same.  

Could be I'm losing touch
Could be they don't care
Lord knows I don't know much
Lord knows I've been there
I trip toward my retreat
I fall down at Your feet

Get up and try again

A 2021 report by Barna Research found that 65 percent of American pastors are considered to be unhealthy when several areas of well being are looked at (Barna:  

https://www.barna.com/research/pastors-well-being/).  In this regard, the protagonist in the song was ahead of their time.  Especially when it comes to the questioning if they should leave ministry.  The same Barna study found that 38 percent of pastors seriously considered leaving full time ministry in the year leading up to the study, a number that jumps to 46 percent when pastors under the age of 45.  

The chorus of the song turns from introspection to crying out to God, asking in essence why me.

When You called my name

I didn't know how far the calling went

When You called my name

I didn't know what that word really meant

When I recall Your call

I feel

So small

Lord, what did you see

When you called out for me?

As someone who has dealt with depression of varying levels for the past 30 years, this melancholic line of questioning resonates with me.  When I know my weaknesses, and I know my failures, why would God choose me?   

The song ends with the realization that the one thing keeping them from wallowing in despair was the support of a faithful few.

I start losing heart

And then

It comes again

Lifted from despair

By the prayers of someone

Early on in my time as pastor I met with an older church member who was living in an assisted living facility.  Mark told me that he prayed for my family every day, and somedays even twice.  Along with Mark, several other individuals prayed for me and my family daily.  Most of those who told me they prayed for us on a regular basis have now passed away.  Most of them were retired, and as they began to slow down in their physical activity, they shifted their focus to lifting up those around them in another way--through prayer.  As economic factors are forcing individuals to work more hours and work into the years the previous generation had long entered retirement, I wonder if there is a connection between pastor burnout and the time spent by others praying for them? 

The second deep cut that keeps looping on my phone, and in my head, is the song Ella G.  The song's title is a play on the word elegy. Dictionary.com defines elegy as "a mournful, melancholy, or plaintive poem, especially a funeral song or a lament for the dead." 

The song is told from the perspective of a parent whose daughter committed suicide.  Throughout the song the grieving parent is trying to piece together why their child felt the despair that led them to take their own life.  While not perfectly laid out, the lyrics work through the five stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

Thumbs out on a desert road I am told

Leads to nowhere

Any shade is as good as the next

If your shadow doesn't go there

Numb is the word that comes to mind as I hear the haunting music and these lyrics.  The shadow of the death is following them wherever they go.  

Week seven: Did you really asume

I'd find some solace from the letter in your room?

Next life, could you kindly refain

From throwing yourself at the mercy of a train?

And later...

Week nine: I am writing in the sand

Any little clue that could help me understand

Every whispered secret, every muffled sigh

Every half-truth that was added to a lie

Amid the desire to try and piece together what they could have done to not have the tragedy take place, the song delves into deep waters on the topic of depression, suicide, hope, and forgiveness.

One of my favorite Newsboys lyrics is the at the beginning of the second verse.

Maybe this world is a barren place for a soul

Prone to get lost

But heaven still hounds from the smallest sounds

To the cries of the storm-tosed

Throughout my life I've heard Christians talk about going for treatment for physical ailments.  Very few encourage people with cancer to just read the Bible, pray more, and so forth to fix what is wrong with them.  But, far too often mental health issues are chalked up to being a sin issue, and nothing more.  I remember a young lady standing up in church and asking for prayer because she was dealing with depression.  A man stood up after her and told her to pray more, read her Bible, and get rid of sin in her life and the issue would go away.  As someone who also deals with depression, I built up higher walls after his outburst, knowing that wasn't a safe place to share.

The song quickly moves from anger to bargaining.

Silence all, nobody breathe

How in the world could you just leave?

You promised you would

Silence that evil with good

Hear me out, I have the floor

I'll give you my tears, I'll listen more

You promised you would

Overcome evil with good

As the song moves on, we start to see questions about depression, and suicide and spiritual issues come to the forefront.  

A Child of the Kingdom; still an invalid

Forgive her, please Father

She don't know what she did

Is suicide an unforgivable sin?  Does the status of one's mental health change our thoughts on this subject?  Do we as followers of Jesus play a role in such a person's death, if we deny them the help that they may need?  I like how this young lady is described.  "A child of the Kingdom; still an invalid."  Aren't we all broken in one way or another?  Does our brokenness make us any less a child of the Kingdom?  

Then we have to think about what Jesus did on the cross.  If the gift of forgiveness and salvation are dependent on what we do, or don't do, how does this change our view of what salvation is?

Silence all, now go to sleep

The water's free, the well is deep

How can we return

That which we never could earn?

There are many questions that this side of eternity I'm not sure we will ever find answers to.  So, eventually we need to trust God to do what is right and leave it up to Him.

God, I long to see her face

We haven't a hope

Beyond Your grace

I know that You will

Overcome evil

For good

And there we have it.  "We haven't a hope beyond (God's) grace.  

These two songs aren't your typical 90's Christian songs.  They delve into topics that are uncomfortable.  They ask questions that aren't easy to answer, if we can answer them at all.  And that's probably why they weren't the hits.  As a 16 year old, I skipped these songs because they weren't peppy and fun.  As a 44 year old, they mean a lot more to me than their more popular tracks on the album.  Nowadays, I find myself skipping the hits to find the gems buried deeper.  And one of the lessons I'm learning to accept more and more is it's ok to have Jesus and a therapist and good music that makes me think.