RvL


About Me

My photo
I’m from New York but my driver’s license lists that my address is Ohio. My passport has a number of stamps in it. I’m the youngest of six, yet oldest son. I have a number after my initials, but not my name. I like music. I like coffee, beer and bourbon. I am a follower of Jesus. I watch bonus features on DVD’s. For four months each year my wife and I are the same age. “I pledge allegiance to a country without borders, without politicians.” I am an ordained pastor, but don't currently have a church. I’ve eaten raw horse meat. I’m fifteen inches taller than my wife, but I look up to her. I still prefer buying CDs to downloading music. I’m a night owl, who doesn’t mind getting up early. I like to play games. I moved to another country nine days after my wedding. I sometimes quote random lyrics. I believe in miracles. I prefer desktops to laptops. I like listening to audio books. I watch Buffalo Bills and Sabres games. I have five sons. I'm living life mid sentence.

Tuesday, October 17, 2023

I Was Wrong & I'm Sorry

A couple years ago my family moved from a small rural town, into a nearby city.  We had outgrown our small home, and desired to move somewhere where our sons would have a wider cultural experience than our small town provided.  


About a year before we moved another major life event took place for me.  In the fall of 2018 I resigned my position as associate pastor of the Mennonite church where I had been on staff as a bi-vocational pastor for six years.  After years of working seven days a week, it was clear to both my wife and I that changes were necessary. 


When I resigned, I was physically, emotionally and spiritually burned out.  My wife suggested that I could benefit from a break from church attendance for a short time, but I balked. So for the next 18 months I kept up nearly as busy a schedule–and remained burned out.


In late 2019 when our family moved, we began talking about looking for a church closer to our new home.  Over the next few months we visited a few different churches.  


Then in 2020, when Covid hit, I finally took a break from church.  


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Starting in my mid 20’s, I  began having a shift in my thinking regarding a number of the teachings I had been taught in my youth.  Many of these teachings were commonplace in my childhood home, Christian school, church, as well as the three conservative Christian colleges I attended.  However, the more I studied the Bible, the more I began to see cracks in the foundation that had been laid for me.  Some of the non-negotiables of my upbringing were being called into question.  One such subject was the role of women in the home and church.


For nearly 30 years of my life I was taught the Bill Gothard “Umbrella of protection” model of headship for the home. While I was taught these things, I do not recall ever seeing them modeled for me by any of those who claimed to believe in the teachings.  What was modeled was not love, but endless disappointments as my mother “failed” to submit, and my father “failed” to lead or provide.  This led to increasing tension in the home, and varying levels of verbal, emotional and physical abuse.  


Having been taught that to be a faithful Christian spouse meant living by the concepts promoted by Gothard, and failing to see any examples of loving homes where this headship was practiced, had me questioning if I ever wanted to marry.  For many years in my 20’s I was lonely, and wanted to have someone to share life with.  But whenever I would start to get close to someone, the fear of being doomed to a miserable, but “godly”, marriage caused me to either sabotage potential relationships or view potential relationships in very unhealthy ways.


Then I met the woman that I would marry.  We were both in our late 20’s at the time.  We came from different Christian traditions, but there were many commonalities between my fundamentalist upbringing and her Anabaptist background.  One of those common beliefs was that men had to be in charge at home, and only men were to be in charge at church.


Our relationship was non-traditional, at least for the time.  When we began communicating we lived on different sides of the world.  Early on, most of our interactions were through written communication.  As I had done with previous relationships, I tried to sabotage our friendship before it was barely off of the ground.  I shared my fears.  I shared my failures.  I shared my doubts.  I shared my dreams.  My thought was, if I’m rejected by someone who lives on a different continent, oh well.  But I wasn’t rejected.  Sharing my vulnerabilities went against much of what I was taught “real men” were to do.  And yet, being vulnerable allowed her to get to know the real me, not a facade.


When we married I still held some of the complementarian beliefs from my youth, but by this time I was more of  a soft-complementarian.  Instead of being a forceful leader, I viewed our relationship as a team–where each of us brought our knowledge and experiences to the table.  Where I was still a soft-complementarian was if we couldn’t agree on something I felt, based on almost 30 years of teaching, that I had to make the final decision.  


The more time I spent with my wife, the less I found myself understanding the logic I had heard on why husbands must be in charge.  But, according to the rules for interpreting the Bible I had been taught, it was “clear” the Bible still promoted a patriarchal model.


Around this time one of my sisters, a woman I have had great respect for, said the reason she was a complementarian was because of a favorite verse of hers; Genesis 3:16.  The part of the verse she quoted says “your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”  The curse given Eve in Genesis 3 had somehow been transformed into a blessing that was to be desired.


I’m not sure exactly why but such an interpretation of Genesis 3 caused a switch to flip in my mind.  I began to look into other passages used to teach complementarianism.  When examined under a microscope, I found less exegetical reasoning for a complementarian view of women.  And the more I looked at the Bible as a cohesive story, the less I had to explain away chunks of the Bible that didn’t line up with John Piper and Wayne Grudem’s view of “Biblical Manhood and Womanhood”.  


I read how Jesus interacted with women. He encountered them in a male-dominant culture, but instead of maintaining the status-quo He empowered women.  Women were not only valuable in the kitchen (Martha), but were welcome as a disciple of His (Mary).  Jesus broke with the taboos of society and showed the woman at the well that she had value simply because of who she was, not because of what she could do.  


Then moving into the book of Acts, I saw how women played a role in leadership in the early church.  Yes, men played a larger role than women, but the fact that women were empowered by God to break with the norms of the culture of the day to lead was significant.  No longer did I need to find an excuse for Junia, or explain why it was OK for Priscilla to teach a man while other women were prohibited.


Throughout the Bible I saw God interacting with people who have varying cultural norms (polygamy, slavery, patriarchy, etc.).  In the past I often wondered why God–-or His appointed leaders– didn’t just condemn certain practices, instead of giving guidelines on how those practices should be practiced more justly.  The older I get the more I understand this approach.  It is an approach I have used in parenting.  God was encouraging baby steps in the direction He was asking them to go.


When it comes to the New Testament, I see God encountering people entrenched in a society designed for males and ruled by males, and nudging them to do better.  Society believed that to be a leader one must be male.  And, for the most part, the church was established with male leaders.  But interspersed were women God used to advance His kingdom.  


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In the second half of 2020 the initial Covid shutdowns began to ease.  People began venturing out again, and many churches resumed in-person services.  Over the following year our family visited several churches.  One of our desires was to find a church where both men and women were allowed to use their giftings and talents.  


One church that my wife had been invited to visit right before Covid was on a list of churches we wanted to visit as a family.  So, one Sunday morning we ventured out.  I had learned from their website that the pastoral team included a husband and wife, which seemed to indicate it met one of the criteria on our list.


That Sunday the husband was preaching.  While I do not remember what he was preaching on, I do remember that in the middle of his message he went on a long tangent about his seven year old daughter and modesty.  


“Before my wife is allowed to buy any clothing for our daughter” he said, “I make sure I check it out to make sure my daughter will not cause men to lust.”  His tangent went on for about a quarter hour.  


He got into specific details of what is allowed for his daughter, and what is not.  “My daughter has a two-piece swimsuit, but it doesn’t show her belly button.  I know what seeing a belly button does to men,” he added.


Not once during this lecture did he mention modesty regarding boys or men.  Not once did he mention the responsibility the Bible places on men to not lust.  The message was clear:  Women and girls are responsible for men lusting.


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When I was younger, I was taught many things regarding women and men that I now believe vary from wrong to dangerous.  

 


Women are more easily deceived…

 


A common refrain among the Christian circles I have frequented is that women are not fit to teach or lead because they are more easily deceived than men.  After all, “the Bible clearly says” that “it was not Adam who was deceived, but the women being deceived, fell into transgression” (I Timothy 2:14 NASB).  In this passage the Apostle Paul says that he does not allow a woman to teach, referencing Eve being deceived and also that Adam was created first.  


Let’s think through the logic used here to disqualify women from teaching and leading.  In the Garden of Eden, the serpent came to Eve, tempting her to eat the forbidden fruit.  Eve ate, and gave to Adam who also ate.  Paul says Adam was not deceived, but Eve was.  So, Eve was deceived and is disqualified from teaching, but Adam who sinned deliberately is not?  And, if being deceived disqualifies a woman from teaching men, why are they allowed to teach other women? 

And, if being deceived disqualifies someone from leadership or being able to hold authority, Joshua should have been disqualified (Joshua 9)., Isaac (Genesis 27), Jacob (Genesis 29, 31), along with many other men in the Bible.  But the only one this excuse is used for is a woman.  And, if women being more easily deceived disqualifies them from teaching men, why did Paul allow them to teach other women?  

 


Women are more emotional, men are more logical…

 


“Women are driven more by their emotions, while men are driven by rationality and logic” is another common refrain I have heard.  


As a young man, the thought that as a result of my being a male I was more rational and logical than women was appealing.  And when that was coupled with being taught that women were driven by emotion, I wanted to make sure I didn’t appear to be emotional.  Therefore, I didn’t resist these often touted tropes.  But as I grew older, the idea that men are more rational and women are more emotional did not line up with my observations.


While I have heard that women are more driven by emotions than men, no explanation has ever accompanied the expression as to which emotions.  But the implied assumption was that being emotional was a sign of weakness.


What exactly constitutes an emotion?  Being a Xennial, I did a quick search of the internet to see how many emotions there are.  A couple hours later I concluded that how many emotions exist all depends on how one defines emotions.  If you do an online search for “emotion wheel”, you will find a treasure trove of different interpretations of how emotions play out.  Common among the wheels I looked at were both positive and negative emotions.  


Positive emotions often cited included words like loved, excited, accepted, joyful, optimistic and calm.  Negative emotions include fearfulness, disgust, anger, sadness, guilt, hopelessness and schadenfreude.  And then there are emotions, such as surprise, that can be considered positive or negative depending on the situation.  


As we look at a broad swath of emotions it becomes apparent that men and women both are emotional, even if they demonstrate their emotions in different ways.  


A study published in 2021 found “men and women’s emotional stability and fluctuations are ‘clearly, consistently and unmistakably more similar than they are different.”  Commenting on the results of the study, Dr. Robert Blum, of Johns Hopkins University, points out that globally, “males are socialized to hide their emotions while it is far more legitimate for females to share them.” (Austin, D. (2021, November 2). Men are just as emotional as women: New research debunks gender stereotypes. TODAY.com. https://www.today.com/health/new-research-debunks-gender-stereotypes-about-emotions-t237160)


In my mid 20’s I remember writing a blog post on a now defunct website.  I wrote that sometimes I felt so lonely that  tears would flow.  After posting the blog, a young woman from my church, commented that being as emotional as I apparently was, had I considered that I could be gay?  Her point was that admitting being an emotional being put me at odds with how a heterosexual male should act.

 


Education and ‘appropriate’ jobs for women…

 


Two recent events embody some of the attitudes I was taught regarding women growing up.  


This fall I was attending my sons’ soccer game.  During a game I struck up a conversation with a father of one of their teammates.  


This man said his family has homeschooled all of their children because “there are a lot of subjects taught to children that aren’t necessary.”  I figured he meant subjects like sex-ed.  Oh no. The subjects he was referring to were ones like algebra, calculus,chemistry, and physics.  He stated that studying such subjects do not help students become productive members of society.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, he then added the cringeworthy phrase “especially for girls!” 


This line of thinking wasn’t new to me.  Coming from a family of six children, five being girls, I heard similar things said many times. 

After graduating high school, all six of us were told that we were required to attend a particular  one-year Bible college that our parents had chosen.  Apart from this Bible college, any additional higher education was frowned upon.  The belief was that too much education leads one astray.  


At the age of 22 I decided to buck the trend and go to a four-year college.  When I told my family this I was told that they didn’t approve, but as an adult male they wouldn’t stand in my way.  At the age of 25 I did earn a B.A. in Communications–becoming the first in my family to earn a four year degree.  (Several years later, when she was in her 40’s, one of my sisters went on to earn her B.S. and M.S. in nursing.)  


The second recent event is related to the first. 

My wife has her B.A. and M.A. in education.  She has multiple different certifications, and in her tenth year as a school teacher.  One of her students recently told her that he isn’t intimidated by her.  In other words, he doesn’t feel the need to respect her authority as his teacher.  It is doubtful that this attitude was new to the boy.  Such an attitude is likely a result of lifelong biases passed down from one generation to the next.


When parents do not respect or value the role education can play in their children’s lives, the children will not respect or value their education. When a bias against women pursuing education is added into the mix, it should come as no surprise when a student feels empowered to say the quiet parts out loud.


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The Sunday morning we visited the new church, the pastor was greeting visitors after the service.  I decided to bring up his modesty talk.  I asked, as a father of five sons, why he had placed the onus on his seven year old girl to keep boys and men from lusting when Jesus had placed the responsibility on the one lusting (Matthew 5:27-28)?  He didn’t have a good answer.  After hemming and hawing, he doubled down that as the father of a seven year old girl, he needs to make sure she isn’t causing guys to lust.

That Sunday my sons heard two sermons.  The first sermon told them that a seven year old girl can cause them to lust.  The second sermon was given by mom and dad and probably lasted for an hour or more.  This sermon told them that whether they allow their minds to lust after a woman of any age is their responsibility.  

“You may be somewhere and there is a girl who is drunk or passed out” I told them.  “Whether she is clothed or not, you have to decide if you will treat her with the dignity and respect she deserves, being in the image of God, or if you will mentally or physically use her for your own sinful pleasures.  No one else can make that decision for you!”  


At the time, our sons were between the ages of four and twelve.  Since all of them had heard the first sermon, all of them sat through the second sermon.  I wanted the dangerous message someone else had told them to be corrected before it could take root in their minds.


After visiting that church, I was ready for another extended break from church.


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Growing up in the cultures I did, I have not always appreciated women the way I should have.  For decades I believed the lies that privileged me as a beneficiary of being a white male in a society that favors white males. I do not believe that being white or male is bad.  But I do believe that if I allow the status quo to remain, which has benefited individuals like me at the expense of others, I would be participating in a sinful system.

As the father of sons I hope to not pass along the same misguided teachings that I believed at their age.  As a result, I hope to help change the future for them, and for the women they will encounter.  


For many years I subconsciously believed that women were less than men.  I was wrong. I now believe that both men and women are made in the image of God. As a result both men and women reveal to us His nature and character.  When we treat men and women with dignity, we are acknowledging that they have value because of who they are, not just because of what they do. This is something I’m working to instill in my sons.

For many years I believed women were less rational and more emotional than men. I was wrong.  I now believe that both men and women have been created by God to express themselves through both emotions and logic.  When either sex is told that being logical or expressing emotion isn’t befitting their sex, it limits them from reaching their potential.  I try to demonstrate to my sons that their mom and I are both emotional and rational beings, and that they are as well.


For many years I believed that I wasn’t responsible for lusting.  After all, I was told that both directly and indirectly..  I was wrong.  I now believe that men are responsible for their actions, and women are responsible for their actions.  In my younger days I believed the lies that my lust and other sinful actions were not always my fault. I am working to model for my sons that they cannot try to pass off responsibility for their own sinful actions by claiming that someone else caused them to sin.  We are responsible for what we do, say and think.  Others may try to sway us, but ultimately we are responsible for how we respond.  


As a youth I bought the narrative that men were to be the breadwinners of the family, and women were to be the keepers at home.  As a result, subconsciously I viewed women as being less than me and other men.  Thinking that many jobs were not suited for women, I viewed higher education to be mostly unnecessary for women. While I have no problem with men being the wage earners and women choosing to stay at home if that is what they desire, I believe my mindset in the past was wrong.  I now believe that men, women, boys and girls all can benefit from education.  Even if a subject may not seem “practical” at the present,  the process of learning helps us become more well rounded human beings.  A few years ago my wife and I bucked the norms of our inherited cultural upbringings.  After staying home with our sons for 13 years my wife returned to work and I went from working full time to part time, and I now am a stay at home dad.  We have demonstrated for our boys the love of learning, and that working and caring for a family are both honorable responsibilities.


For many years I believed that there were roles unsuitable for women simply because of their sex.  As a result I thought less of women that took a “man’s job.”  I was wrong.  As a result I missed opportunities to learn from strong and courageous women.  I’m grateful for a smart and confident wife who has demonstrated to our boys that when we do not view this world as a men vs. women competition society as a whole can benefit.


As a middle-aged man I now see that the years I spent believing the lies that I was better than others due to being a man hurt me, and hurt others as well.  Now that I know better, I hope to help my sons not go down the same paths I spent years on.  


I have no grandiose notions that I will change the world.  I do not believe I will single-handedly tear down the systemic sins that have festered for millennia.  But I hope to remain teachable, and humble as I learn where I am wrong, and try to do better.  And in the process, I hope my wife and I can shine a light on a better way for my sons as they navigate the world they were born into.  And if we are successful, I believe the Church and society as a whole will benefit.  

Tuesday, August 22, 2023

Maturing or Just too Tired to Care?

 I don't know that I'm maturing, but I'm learning to use my valve. Years ago some of my relatives use to joke that one's "valve" is the thing that kept them from saying what they wanted to say, even if saying said thing wasn't helpful.

Over the past couple years, I've discovered that I'm far less inclined to try to convince someone that disagrees with me to change their position..on just about anything. This can be politics, religion, so on and so forth.

I don't think I've necessarily matured. I think I'm just tired.

Most of my life I was told that I had all of the answers, and as a result I was obligated to correct everyone who disagrees with me. I was taught this in church. I was taught this in Bible college. I was taught this at the Christian colleges I attended. This was also modeled for me in the Mennonite circles I've been in--although the way they demonstrated this was more through trying to put down those who disagree with them without trying to appear too proud.

Now when a co-worker starts a conversation about how the earth is flat, I just want the conversation to end. When another parent in the homeschooling co-op some of my kids attend touts a new Ken Ham book on apologetics, I just want the conversation to end. When the member of a small prayer group I've attended brings books written by the Pearls, because we said we don't spank our kids anymore, I just want the conversation to end. When a family member preaches about the sin of "pride" in June, but preaches a full month of sermons in July on how he's proud to be American, and if you aren't as proud as him he will help you pack, I just want the dialogue to end.

At 45 I have more questions and fewer answers than I had at 40, 30 or even 20.

A man I respect was asked a few years ago how certain he is about knowing the truth (the question was in regards to Jesus, but can be applied to other areas as well). This man shocked the one asking the question by saying that most days it's more than 51%. In the circles I grew up in, we were taught that we were to be 100% sure, so as not to be "tossed to and fro" like the Book of James warned against. But here is where I'm at. If I'm 100% confident in my beliefs, and I've hammered out all of the flaws, then I no longer need faith. And, if I never have questions or doubts I have no room for growth.

If new information comes along, I hope to be open to evaluating the information and using said information to reevaluate my beliefs. As my wife can attest, I do not easily change my beliefs. If I believe something to be true, it takes a lot of time, study and evidence for me to change my beliefs. But, that being said, if the evidence is there that my previous beliefs were incomplete, or incorrect, I am willing to change.

The younger version of myself, including the version of myself circulating online in 2020 or so, still had the impulse from my upbringing to try and convince everyone that if they disagreed with me they were wrong, and should change. Ok, by 2020 I probably wasn't that bad, but I still had those impulses. Anymore, I find myself simply uninterested in expending the mental energy to try and convince someone they are wrong.

While I do this poorly most of the time, anymore I just want to follow my convictions, be a decent human being, and try to leave the world a better place than I found it. I don't know if that means I'm maturing, or I just am too tired to try and change anyone when I realize I have a lot of things in my life I still need to work on.

Wednesday, July 26, 2023

What Is My Value?

What is a person's value?  How do we even determine such a thing?  Is a person valuable because of intrinsic value they have, as being created in the image of a deity, or is their value found in what they do?
 
Over the past few years I've spent time looking deep inside myself trying to determine my worth. Growing up my worth was determined by how well I fit into a system.  After much self examination, seeking outside help, reading plenty of books on the subject, I finally am at the point where I believe I have some worth.  
 
Then today happened.  
 
Let me backtrack a little.  In 2020, yes the year that brought us COVID and taught us which of our friends bought into conspiracy theories, I became a manager at the company I had worked at for a few years.    Granted, the company had just been sold to a new owner, and I became a manager after a few weeks under new ownership.  The previous owner, who by the way was one of the best bosses I've ever had, had told me a year or so before that he was prepping me to become a manager.  He gave me more and more responsibilities as time went on.  A few drastic changes at the company led him to sell his company, which was a sub-contracting company for the larger corporation.  The new owner didn't share the values of the previous owner.  As a result, after becoming a manager, I learned the hard way that I was a commodity that could be used and abused for someone else's profit.  As a result, after 1 year as manager, I stepped down, leaving the company altogether.
 
In late 2021 I took my current position at a new company.  I took about a 30% pay cut, but I was now working part time, instead of being employed full time..however my new job included insurance and a retirement plan, which were not included at my previous job. Oh, and did I mention that my previous job's salary was at the federal poverty line for our family?  My current job requires me to work  around 30 hours a week, much less than the 60-90 hours my previous job had required.  I planned on sticking to my current position for the foreseeable future, until my boss' position became available.  My boss, who I like and respect, is looking to retire (again).  The position posted is for a trainee position, which will include a year of on the job training before taking the position. I am not a person who has to be in charge.  However, I also understand that if the wrong person is put in a position of power it can quickly sink a ship so to speak.  All that being said, I applied for the position in May.  After two months of radio silence, I received an email a couple weeks ago saying they would like to interview me for the position.   Two weeks ago I was interviewed and I thought the interview went well.
 
And this is where we get back to "Then today happened."  Today I woke up to my phone ringing about 8am.  I didn't answer the phone, but returned the call after ditching my half-asleep voice.  The call was from an HR employee, calling to inform me I was being offered the position I interviewed for. The position I applied for is a top manager position, and I would be responsible for around 50 employees under me.  My work hours would be considerably longer than my current hours, and the number of work days would go from 188 per year to over 260.  The woman calling, whom I met at the time of my interview, was very friendly.  However, when she said what the compensation was for the position, I was surprised. When adjusted for inflation, the salary for the new position would be about $300 a year more than the position left in 2021.  
 
With that news, I felt discouraged. But here is the difference.  In 2023 I have a better understanding of my value.  Unlike the past, I am not willing to allow others to determine my value.  I told the woman calling me I would give them my answer in the next day or so.  After hanging up, it didn't take me long to determine that they do not value me as much as I value me.  So tonight I drafted my response.  I understand that financially they may have restraints on how much they can pay employees, but that being said I am not willing to go back to working extended hours, taking time away from my family, and adding stress to my life for those who are not willing to compensate me fairly for my services.  So, I turned down the position.

This evening I feel discouraged.  I believe I am more valuable than what they appear to believe I am.  But I also feel empowered.  I'm at a place, both financially and mentally, where I can say no thank you to those who do not see my value.  If my employer has their hands tied, due to the nature of funding for the job, I am willing to acknowledge their predicament.  But, if this was just an attempt by others to undercut the value of my time, then they failed.  I don't know if the individuals who interviewed me have any say in the pay scale for the position I applied for. If they don't I feel bad for them.  I feel that I would have been a good fit for the position. But if they do have a say, and were trying to gauge my value, I'm afraid their undervaluing of my worth caused them to lose me as a candidate.  I believe I am worth more than they offered.  I believe time with my family is worth more than they valued it at.  I believe I have more, even with less money, than I would if I took the position and the added income. 

At 45 years old, I am still learning new things.  I am learning I have value.  And if others around me don't see that, they are likely to be the ones that lose out. 


Monday, July 03, 2023

Learning From My Son

For the past few years, our sons that were old enough have attended a Mennonite camp in Kentucky. This started when I was pastoring a Mennonite church here in Ohio, and even after I stepped down and we left the church, we have continued to send our boys to camp.  

This past week our oldest, 14-year-old who just finished his freshman year in public school, attended the teen week at camp. What I didn’t know ahead of time was the man who was my overseer when I was a pastor was the speaker at camp for the week.


Midway through the week my former Overseer posted pictures to Facebook, and so I knew he was at the camp. When Tricia went to pick up my son, she saw the Overseer and his wife, and they exchanged pleasantries. They asked why Tricia was there and she said it was to pick up our son—at which point the speaker connected the dots between our son and us. 


On the ride home, my son said he had multiple conversations with the speaker throughout the week. The speaker said my son looked familiar, but couldn’t place where he knew my him from (the last time he would have seen my son was probably 4 years ago, before my son grew to 5’10” and went from a buzz cut to hair that is half way down his back).  


During one of the chapel services at camp, the speaker said something regarding how the Bible clearly says... After the chapel service, my son approached the speaker to ask how he interprets the scripture (verbal plenary, etc.). After a time or two of him asking questions of the speaker, he said the speaker started to soften the hardline tone of his messages.  
 
I’m proud of my son. He is becoming a thoughtful young man, who isn’t intimidated by his youthfulness or the speaker standing on stage. If something doesn’t sound right, or if it goes against the convictions he has, he will speak up and ask questions. As far as I have seen, he does this in a much more tactful way than I do at times.
 
We have been very open with our sons as we have walked through this season of deconstruction/decompressing/reconstruction that we have been going through for the past few years. Sometimes our dinner conversations are back and forth on what we believe or why we think the way we do. Sometimes we ask a son or sons to watch a series, such as Shinny Happy People, with us. Recently, as we were driving to New York for my brother-in-law's funeral, at least of my sons asked if we could listen to The Holy Post podcast. All of them, in different ways, said they like listening to it with mom and dad because it leads to good discussions.  
 
I’m not sure what my former Overseer thinks about Tricia and I after our son pushed back to what he said during his messages. Honestly, I don’t really care. I am grateful that my son, at 14, is finding his voice. At times I look at him and imagine how my life would have been different if I had found my voice at 14 instead of not really finding my voice until I was in my 40’s 

Thursday, June 22, 2023

Finding My Voice

“When you’re 20 you care what everyone thinks, when you’re 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks, when you’re 60 you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.”  

I came across this quote a few years ago. And while the ages may vary somewhat, I found a lot of truth in its premises. Spending the first 40 years of my life in the circles I did came with a lot of expectations. Different circles had different roles that I was to play. And, while slight deviations may be tolerated, if I didn’t stay in my assigned lane, I would overstay my welcome.  
 
At a few different points in my life, I have felt more at liberty to spread my wings to try and find out who I was. But, in hindsight, I see that even in those situations it didn’t take long for others to form their opinions of who I should be. Sometimes people would verbalize their opinions, but other times the expectations were unspoken. My inherited culture values conformity over individuality. After short-lived periods of trying to find out who I was, inevitably I stifled my individuality and conformed.  


Around age 40 I started to find my voice. I began to speak up about the grooming that had taken place at the church I attended as a child. I began to express that spiritual abuse had taken place at different points in my life. In my mid-30's, as I studied the words of Jesus more and more, I had a shift in my thinking regarding victims of injustice, whether they be abuse victims, victims of sexism, victims of racism, and so on. And when I began to speak up for the oppressed, I received considerable push back from many in the circles I had camped in for my entire life. But I was moving from the first stage in the above quote to the second stage. If something is the right thing to do, it is right no matter what opposition I face. This is a lesson I’d taught my sons since they were old enough to understand. Now, it was time for me to practice what I was preaching.  


Finding my voice, and trying once again to find out who I am, has been a difficult and lonely journey. As I learned more about myself, I learned that some of my friendships were unhealthy. I learned that it is necessary at times to place boundaries, that if ignored by those in your life may lead to ending relationships. I also have learned that if one doesn’t fit neatly into easily defined boxes, they may struggle to ever feel at home. This journey is not one I enjoy. But it is the journey I need to be on.


As I openly discuss with my sons the pitfalls that plagued my life for 40 years, I hope that maybe they will not fall into the same traps that I allowed myself to stay stuck in. Maybe, they will be mentally and spiritually healthier at age 20 than I am at 45.  And maybe at 45 they will be thriving, instead of just trying to figure life out.