What Is My Value?

What is a person's value?  How do we even determine such a thing?  Is a person valuable because of intrinsic value they have, as being created in the image of a deity, or is their value found in what they do?

 

Over the past few years I've spent time looking deep inside myself trying to determine my worth. Growing up my worth was determined by how well I fit into a system.  After much self examination, seeking outside help, reading plenty of books on the subject, I finally am at the point where I believe I have some worth.  

 

Then today happened.  

 

Let me backtrack a little.  In 2020, yes the year that brought us COVID and taught us which of our friends bought into conspiracy theories, I became a manager at the company I had worked at for a few years.    Granted, the company had just been sold to a new owner, and I became a manager after a few weeks under new ownership.  The previous owner, who by the way was one of the best bosses I've ever had, had told me a year or so before that he was prepping me to become a manager.  He gave me more and more responsibilities as time went on.  A few drastic changes at the company led him to sell his company, which was a sub-contracting company for the larger corporation.  The new owner didn't share the values of the previous owner.  As a result, after becoming a manager, I learned the hard way that I was a commodity that could be used and abused for someone else's profit.  As a result, after 1 year as manager, I stepped down, leaving the company altogether.

 

In late 2021 I took my current position at a new company.  I took about a 30% pay cut, but I was now working part time, instead of being employed full time..however my new job included insurance and a retirement plan, which were not included at my previous job. Oh, and did I mention that my previous job's salary was at the federal poverty line for our family?  My current job requires me to work  around 30 hours a week, much less than the 60-90 hours my previous job had required.  I planned on sticking to my current position for the foreseeable future, until my boss' position became available.  My boss, who I like and respect, is looking to retire (again).  The position posted is for a trainee position, which will include a year of on the job training before taking the position. I am not a person who has to be in charge.  However, I also understand that if the wrong person is put in a position of power it can quickly sink a ship so to speak.  All that being said, I applied for the position in May.  After two months of radio silence, I received an email a couple weeks ago saying they would like to interview me for the position.   Two weeks ago I was interviewed and I thought the interview went well.

 

And this is where we get back to "Then today happened."  Today I woke up to my phone ringing about 8am.  I didn't answer the phone, but returned the call after ditching my half-asleep voice.  The call was from an HR employee, calling to inform me I was being offered the position I interviewed for. The position I applied for is a top manager position, and I would be responsible for around 50 employees under me.  My work hours would be considerably longer than my current hours, and the number of work days would go from 188 per year to over 260.  The woman calling, whom I met at the time of my interview, was very friendly.  However, when she said what the compensation was for the position, I was surprised. When adjusted for inflation, the salary for the new position would be about $300 a year more than the position left in 2021.  

 

With that news, I felt discouraged. But here is the difference.  In 2023 I have a better understanding of my value.  Unlike the past, I am not willing to allow others to determine my value.  I told the woman calling me I would give them my answer in the next day or so.  After hanging up, it didn't take me long to determine that they do not value me as much as I value me.  So tonight I drafted my response.  I understand that financially they may have restraints on how much they can pay employees, but that being said I am not willing to go back to working extended hours, taking time away from my family, and adding stress to my life for those who are not willing to compensate me fairly for my services.  So, I turned down the position.

This evening I feel discouraged.  I believe I am more valuable than what they appear to believe I am.  But I also feel empowered.  I'm at a place, both financially and mentally, where I can say no thank you to those who do not see my value.  If my employer has their hands tied, due to the nature of funding for the job, I am willing to acknowledge their predicament.  But, if this was just an attempt by others to undercut the value of my time, then they failed.  I don't know if the individuals who interviewed me have any say in the pay scale for the position I applied for. If they don't I feel bad for them.  I feel that I would have been a good fit for the position. But if they do have a say, and were trying to gauge my value, I'm afraid their undervaluing of my worth caused them to lose me as a candidate.  I believe I am worth more than they offered.  I believe time with my family is worth more than they valued it at.  I believe I have more, even with less money, than I would if I took the position and the added income. 

At 45 years old, I am still learning new things.  I am learning I have value.  And if others around me don't see that, they are likely to be the ones that lose out. 

Learning From My Son

For the past few years, our sons that were old enough have attended a Mennonite camp in Kentucky. This started when I was pastoring a Mennonite church here in Ohio, and even after I stepped down and we left the church, we have continued to send our boys to camp.  

This past week our oldest, 14-year-old who just finished his freshman year in public school, attended the teen week at camp. What I didn’t know ahead of time was the man who was my overseer when I was a pastor was the speaker at camp for the week.

Midway through the week my former Overseer posted pictures to Facebook, and so I knew he was at the camp. When Tricia went to pick up my son, she saw the Overseer and his wife, and they exchanged pleasantries. They asked why Tricia was there and she said it was to pick up our son—at which point the speaker connected the dots between our son and us. 

On the ride home, my son said he had multiple conversations with the speaker throughout the week. The speaker said my son looked familiar, but couldn’t place where he knew my him from (the last time he would have seen my son was probably 4 years ago, before my son grew to 5’10” and went from a buzz cut to hair that is half way down his back).  

During one of the chapel services at camp, the speaker said something regarding how the Bible clearly says... After the chapel service, my son approached the speaker to ask how he interprets the scripture (verbal plenary, etc.). After a time or two of him asking questions of the speaker, he said the speaker started to soften the hardline tone of his messages.  
 
I’m proud of my son. He is becoming a thoughtful young man, who isn’t intimidated by his youthfulness or the speaker standing on stage. If something doesn’t sound right, or if it goes against the convictions he has, he will speak up and ask questions. As far as I have seen, he does this in a much more tactful way than I do at times.
 
We have been very open with our sons as we have walked through this season of deconstruction/decompressing/reconstruction that we have been going through for the past few years. Sometimes our dinner conversations are back and forth on what we believe or why we think the way we do. Sometimes we ask a son or sons to watch a series, such as Shinny Happy People, with us. Recently, as we were driving to New York for my brother-in-law's funeral, at least of my sons asked if we could listen to The Holy Post podcast. All of them, in different ways, said they like listening to it with mom and dad because it leads to good discussions.  
 
I’m not sure what my former Overseer thinks about Tricia and I after our son pushed back to what he said during his messages. Honestly, I don’t really care. I am grateful that my son, at 14, is finding his voice. At times I look at him and imagine how my life would have been different if I had found my voice at 14 instead of not really finding my voice until I was in my 40’s