I'm sad. I really have no reason to be sad, but yet I am. God has provided me with all I need--yet something seems to be missing. Is it true that we were not made to be alone? Adam had all he needed in the Garden of Eden, yet God still said "It is not good for the man to be alone." Are the longings of my heart to have someone to talk to, hold, love and provide for selfish feelings that deny that God has provided me with so much more than I deserve already?
The last few days have been fairly full days for me, at least compared to the schedule I have when I'm not on vacation. Yet being around people hasn't helped to remove the lonliness within my soul. I've cried out to God asking Him to be all I need. But then I was thinking that even when Adam had everything he needed, even direct fellowship with his Creator, God still said that Adam wasn't made to go through life without a compannion.
I know that if the time comes in my life when God brings someone my way that life won't be smooth sailing. I know that relationships, and marriages have their rough patches. But relationships also have good times. In the same way that spiritual mountain tops seem so much more rewarding after the valleys, I imagine the good times in marriages wouldn't be quite as good if there were never rough times.
I believe I am realistic enough to not think that life will be perfect IF God ever sends a woman my way. I really do take into consideration what those who are married say from time to time when they encourage those who are single to enjoy the freedom that comes along with singliness. Yet still I cannot deny that there is a great longing within me that desires to have someone to share this journey--which we call life--with.
- I’m from New York but my driver’s license lists that my address is Ohio. My passport has a number of stamps in it. I’m the youngest of six, yet oldest son. I have a number after my initials, but not my name. I like music. I drink coffee at all times of the day. I am a follower of Jesus. I own my own business. I watch bonus features on DVD’s. For four months each year my wife and I are the same age. “I pledge allegiance to a country without borders, without politicians.” I am an ordained pastor. I’ve eaten raw horse meat. I’m fifteen inches taller than my wife, but I look up to her. I still prefer buying CDs to downloading music. I’m a night owl, who doesn’t mind getting up early. I like to shop, and my wife doesn’t. I like to play games. I moved to another country nine days after my wedding. I sometimes quote random lyrics. I believe in miracles. I prefer desktops to laptops. I like listening to audio books. I listen to hockey games on the internet. I have five sons. I'm living life mid sentence.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
I really need a hug. Not one of those 3 second hugs you give a friend from time to time but one that says "you don't have to say anything, I undestand what you are going through" types. But I don't know people anymore whom I can go to as such times. So, I'll take this on all by myself.
Life is often filled with apparent injustices. Such as why do individuals who cause emotional pain usually have no problem moving on, while those they've hurt cannot? This is something that I know I am not alone in feeling. But yet the knowledge that others feel this same pain doesn't seem to provide any comfort at the present. Time heals all wounds I know. Yet still, while I wait for healing to come, I wonder why she moves on with ease after she trampled the feelings and emotions of those she confessed her love for. I want to forgive her, and I know that forgiveness is a conscientious decision, yet no matter how many times I say with my words that I forgive her--my heart still wields the pain that comes with betrayal.
Monday, February 13, 2006
While the words "I'm so happy for you" escape my lips, my heart feels as if a daggar has been plunged deep into it. I should be happy for you. I think you would be for me. But instead of truly being happy for you, I wonder why things just happened to fall into place for you so quickly when you were the one that brought so much pain into my life. You couldn't let go of your past relationship when I was in the picture, but it seems that overnight all that changed when the next guy came along. Now you've left me as the one who can't seem to let go. I wonder if this guy will be just another moth caught in your web of lies and deception? Will he be another check mark on your adventure list when you look back and recap your life? Does he know what he's getting into? No matter what, I hope you will give this new guy all the things you didn't give me: a fair chance, honesty, and more than the bullshit that you left me with.
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