Is It Time For A New National Anthem?

(Originally written in 2020)

I was watching “Uncomfortable Conversations With A Black Man”, by Emmanuel Acho, recently and came across a quote.  In the episode, Acho said “history is meant to be remembered but history isn’t always meant to be celebrated.”

What does it mean to remember history vs. celebrating it?  

Following the fall of Apartheid in South Africa, and following the end of World War 2 in Germany, there were commissions set up that had the goal of helping the countries move forward, while dealing with their pasts.  These truth and reconciliation commissions were painful, but they also served as key components of learning from the past, seeking to reconcile wrongs committed, and moving forward.  

It may have been easier for all parties involved to tear down Auschwitz.  For those that lost family members there, the sight would be a painful one.  At least 1.3 Million people were imprisoned in the concentration camp, and at least 1.1 million of them were killed.  For the Germans, it could be a painful reminder of the sins of their ancestors.  But in spite of all the reasons why people would want the camp of terror and death removed, it has been preserved, lest we forget.   But do you know what you won’t find in Germany?  You will not find any statues of Nazi officials or their leader.  

There have been a lot of discussions about statues and other traces from the past in our country.  One notable discussion over the past decade or so has regarded The Star Spangled Banner as our national anthem.  Should we keep it?  Should we get rid of it?  And, no matter which side you fall on, why?  Before we answer those questions, let’s look at some of the events that have brought us to this point.

Our nation has a pretty murky past.  Just to clear things up before we move forward, I don’t expect all people from all points in history to be as “woke” as we may be today.  As anyone who has studied history can tell you, there are examples of good people who have done bad things, there are bad people who have done good things, and so forth.  

By the time of our Founding Fathers, there was already discussions regarding slavery and the role it should play in the new nation.  Some of the men favored slavery, while other’s thought it shouldn’t be allowed, or at least there should be a plan to phase out slavery early into the new nation’s history.  

On paper it is noble and laudable that the Declaration of Independence says, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”  All men are created equal.  This would be great, if they actually believed it.  Unfortunately, what they meant by all men here is all white men.  I’m not saying this myself, but rather some of the signers said it themselves.  Six of the same men who signed the Declaration of Independence also worked on the Constitution more than a decade later.  Article 1, Section 2, Clause 3 of the United States Constitution said that for taxation and representation purposes, blacks were to be counted as 3/5 a person.    So, as the United States begins as a new nation, slavery will continue and the plight of the blacks doesn’t improve.

As the young nation is moving forward, the idea of slavery keeps coming up.  Every time a new state seeks to be admitted, it causes problems.  Will slavery be allowed in the new state or no, and what will a decision either way do to the balance of power between pro-slavery states and anti-slavery states?

The first part of remembering vs. celebrating our past that I want to dive a little deeper into is our current national anthem.

After a short period of time as an independent nation, the United States is back at war with Great Britain, in the poorly named War of 1812.  Poorly named, because the next thing I want to talk about happens in the war in 1814.  

In September 1814, a lawyer by the name of Francis Scott Key was onboard a British ship, if my memory serves me correctly, trying to negotiate the release of a friend of his.  While on the ship, he witnessed the battle of Fort McHenry, which inspired him to write a poem called The Defense of Fort M’Henry.    

Let’s explore a little of the background of the war before we look at the poem.  

The British weren’t ready to fight the United States again when the war stated, and it put the Brits on their heels.  Over time though they were able to bring more soldiers to the States, and added allies along the way.  Britain, which had abolished slavery a few years before the war, thanks to a lifelong mission of abolitionist William Wilberforce, and to add able-bodied men to their fight, they offered freedom to slaves or money to impoverished individuals who would join their fight.   This may seem like treason to us that people would go fight for the enemy.  However, when you consider that the enslaved men were only counted as 3/5 human, and had no real rights, the promise of freedom would be appealing.  To these men, the Union Jack likely would have been to them what the Statue of Liberty would become to others a century later.  Some of the “huddled masses yearning to breathe free”, took their chances and joined forces with the British and fought, maybe not as much against their former captors, but for their freedom.  

One more aspect we need to consider, before looking at why I, as well as others, view the Star Spangled Banner as racist, is the background and life of Francis Scott Key.  Key’s family was heavily invested in owning slaves.  At the age of 21, Key purchased his first slave.  Later in life he served as the district attorney in Washington D.C..  While D.A., he repeatedly used his position to defend slavery and attack abolitionists.  Once, when a slave went after his mistress with an axe, Key used his position to go after a man who was known for spreading abolitionist material and put him on trial.  A mob tried to hang Rueben Crandall but they were unsuccessful.  After he was eventually acquitted,  Key lamented his loss in the trial, and the trial sounded the death knell of his political career.

So, why do I share all of this?  It gives background to Key’s famous poem.

The first verse is what most people think of when they think of the National Anthem.  

Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn’s early light,

What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thru the perilous fight,

O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?

And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air,

Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.

O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave

O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

However, that is one of four stanzas to the poem/song.  The third stanza is what many consider racist.

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore

That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion

A home and a country should leave us no more?

Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps’ pollution.

No refuge could save the hireling and slave

From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave:

And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave

O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Without knowing some background, this stanza seems like the poem takes an odd turn to talk about the hireling and slave.  However, if you consider that hundreds if not thousands of black slaves had decided to take the British up on their offer, and many of them were fighting against their own slave owners, it starts to paint a clearer picture.  Key voices his disdain to the hireling and slave who had joined the other side. “Their blood has washed out their foul footstep’s pollution”, paints a picture of what Key seems to think is the deserving fate of the slaves who opted for freedom by fleeing to the British side—namely their blood should be shed. He goes on to say that nothing can save them from the “terror of flight or the gloom of the grave.”  If Key, and other men like him, cannot benefit from the labor of the slaves, than the grave is possibly the next best solution.   So, when Key repeats the refrain “O’er the land of the free and the home of brave”, Key obviously didn’t mean what we interpret this phrase to be as white Americans in 2020.  

Some may contend that we shouldn’t hold with such scrutiny the lyrics of the National Anthem, since it was penned 206 years ago.  If it had become the Nation’s song at that point then maybe that would make this conversation take a slightly different turn.  However, The Star Spangled Banner didn’t become the National Anthem until 1931.  

The Star Spangled Banner had been used on occasion before 1931, as had Hail, Columbia and My Country ‘Tis of Thee.  

In 1915 President Woodrow Wilson held a screening of the film Birth of a Nation, formerly known as The Clansman” at the White House.  Wilson hailed the movie, which portrayed the Ku Klux Klan as heroic individuals helping to preserve the American society of values and pushed an agenda of white supremacy.  In 1916, Wilson backed the use of Key’s poem as the official song for the country.  I do not have proof of whether Wilson’s move has any causation or collation between his known racist views, but any study of Wilson will show that he held many racist views.  

In 1931, Congress officially made the song the National Anthem.  

As noted earlier, over the 150 or so years before 1931, The U.S. had used multiple songs for official use.  So, the idea of changing the National Anthem isn’t outside the realm of possibility.  If our country truly seeks to live out it’s official motto E Pluribus Unum--out of many, one—then we need to consider the voices of the many, and not just voices that sound a lot like our own.  Do we truly wish to be “one nation”, as the Pledge of Allegiance proclaims,  then compromises will have to take place.  If we wish to be one country, made up of many nations, we can proceed as we have—as long as we maintain the majority.

We can remember history, and I would contend we must remember history.  But should we celebrate history?  In some cases yes, and in other cases no.  As for me, I do not view The Star Spangled Banner as something that should be celebrated.  However, living in the country we do, I realize others will disagree with me.

I'll take 32 year old lyrics for 500, Alex.

The wind is moving

But I am standing still

A life of pages

Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful

A head that's full of dreams

But this becoming

Is harder than it seems

Feels like.  

I'm looking for a reason

Roaming through the night to find

My place in this world

My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on

I need your light to help me find

My place in this world

My place in this world

If there are millions

Down on their knees

Among the many

Can you still hear me?

Hear me asking

Where do I belong?

Is there a vision

That I can call my own?

Show me...

I'm looking for a reason

Roaming through the night to find

My place in this world

My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on

I need your light to help me find

My place in this world

My place in this world

~Michael W. Smith

Abuse In The Church--A Challenge (Part 2)

PART 2 (Part 1 can be found here:  https://rvl.blogspot.com/2022/07/abuse-in-church-memoir.html)

In 1996 I graduated high school.  Around that time the Internet exploded and no longer was it necessary to stealthily go to a gas station to buy pornography, much less try to find a way to keep it hidden.  Now, with just a few strokes on the keyboard, a plethora of pornographic material was accessible in the privacy of my home or apartment.  I simultaneously still found it exhilarating and hated myself for returning to it time and time again.  

Over the next decade there were periods of avoiding pornography, and relapses.  On one occasion, in my early 20’s, I swallowed my pride, approached a friend and admitted I was struggling with porn.  He didn’t help, but he did tell a few others what I’d told him.  This alienated me more, and caused me to internalize my struggle more.  My philosophy for several years after my failed attempt to get help was to not trust anyone.  This was my problem, and I was on my own to figure it out.

A number of years later, and in a new state, I finally met a couple men who I trusted to open up to about what was going on in my life—the good, the bad and the ugly.  These guys would meet up with me for coffee on a regular basis and we would talk about anything or everything.  They were ok with moving beyond the superficial issues that were normally discussed by Christians.  They would listen.  They would ask tough questions.  They weren’t scared by my failures.  They walked along side me helping me realize that I didn’t have to carry the burden on my own.  It was the first time the secrecy of the sin was peeled back, allowing me to realize that change was possible.  When failures occurred, I was encouraged to repent, accept the grace of God and move forward.  Crawling turned into baby steps.  And over time, baby steps turned into walking.  Stumbling still took place, but I had been given the freedom to believe I could walk and encouraged to get up when I did fall.  

It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s, maybe even 40’s, until I looked back at what happened at my childhood church and saw it for what it was.  It was abuse.  It was an adult abusing the power he had to corrupt a minor.  Where I had always thought of it as a foolish act on the part of someone who was older, I now learned it was a federal crime—distribution of obscenity to a minor.  He demonstrated patterns of grooming.  He would encourage us to break the rules, starting off in minor ways (music, cards, gambling) and make me promise not to tell.  After I demonstrated I would go along, he upped the ante with pornography, again, demanding secrecy.  As I went along, more and more porn was introduced and more and more secrecy was demanded.  What would have happened if our paths hadn’t gone different directions?  Was I the only one being groomed?

While I believe background checks, mandatory reporting of any impropriety to law enforcement (not only church leaders,) and safeguards being put in place are non-negotiable, I readily acknowledge that the 19 year old leader probably would have passed a background check.  However, if safeguards had been in place, such as an adult not spending time one-on-one with a minor under their authority, things may have turned out differently.

My parents’ generation, and churches at the time, didn’t talk about sex, sexuality, abuse, and pornography openly.  After all, I still hear from their generation, where some have the mindset that they don’t want to speak things into being. In other words, if we talk about sex then the kids will think about it and start doing it.  The reality is, kids were doing it even when their parents or church were not talking about it. Looking back, I don’t blame my parents, but I do wish they would have been proactive in talking to me about sex.  

A couple years ago I first disclosed portions of what I wrote about in my previous post to leaders of the church I grew up in.  I was told not to speak negatively about a church that has done so much to help people.  I was told, indirectly, that speaking in such a way could hinder people from hearing the gospel, or ruin the church’s testimony.  I strongly disagree.  Allowing the sins of the past, or present, to remain in the shadows ruins the church’s testimony.  Exposing our sins, asking for forgiveness, and clearly demonstrating that the church must change to become a safe place is a way to improve the relationship of the church in the community.  Doing this would demonstrate we, as the church, care about more than just protecting our reputation.

While we are discussing uncomfortable topics, let’s look at a few statistics surrounding sex, and sexual exposure and youth in the United States.  

Silence has been tried, in the home and in the church and, as I believe statistics demonstrate, it has failed.  Research has found that states where residents demonstrate high levels of strong religious beliefs, such states also have high levels of teen birth rates (Peck, 2009).   And that only accounts for teen birth rates.  While, as the same study showed, there does seem to be a lower rate of abortion in the states with strong religious beliefs (Peck), where cases of pregnancy exist, sexual activity is evident.

In the U.S., the average age for first sexual intercourse is 16.8 years for boys and 17.2 years for girls (Adolescent Sexuality in the United States, 2020).  And that’s sexual intercourse, so does not include other sexual encounters and sexual activities.   

A report published in 2017 found that the average age of first pornography exposure to be around 13 years old, and that the earlier a boy was introduced to pornography shaped their view of sexuality—especially when it comes to seeking power over women through sex, or engaging in a “playboy” lifestyle (“Age of First Exposure to Pornography Shapes Men’s Attitudes toward Women,” 2017).  This study was published five years ago.  Consider that those being interviewed for the study were from their late teens all the way up to their 50’s, the average age is likely lower as more and more children have unfiltered access to internet connected devices.  Other research places average age of first exposure at between age 11 and 12 but shares the concerns about the way pornography shapes how people approach sexuality. (What to Know about Adolescent Pornography Exposure | Psychology Today, n.d). Another study, published in 2020, concluded that the earlier a child is exposed to sexual explicit material, the more likely they are to engage in riskier sexual practices as they approach adulthood (Lin et al., 2020).  

Sexual content is rampant in our culture.  It is more easily accessible today than in the past, even the not-so-distant-past.  If we want today’s youth to have a sanctified view of sex and sexuality, we cannot wait or remain silent.  If we are silent, or if we kick the can down the road, the view of sex that will likely be their teacher will be a pornified view, and not a healthy view.

If parents, or churches or Christian schools won’t talk about sex, sexuality, pornography, abuse and other related issues, this does not mean their children will not learn about these issues.  Even growing up in a conservative evangelical/fundamentalist—and protected--environment, I was exposed to sexually explicit materials.  Parents, schools, and others can be proactive in using technology to reduce accessibility to harmful content.  But no web-filter or porn-blocker can keep a child from seeing a magazine someone may bring into his or her presence. Aside from my youth group experience, I remember that when I was a junior at a conservative Baptist high, a senior show one of his classmates that he had a porn magazine in his Bible case in his locker.

Let’s imagine that a child is kept from seeing sexually explicit material before they reach adulthood, and before they meet and marry their spouse.  We need to understand, they are likely to be in the minority.   And, if the one they meet, date, marry was exposed to pornography, even the protected individual will have their sex life impacted by their partners pornified view of sex.  

Going back to the purity culture slogans from the 90’s, simply asking/knowing if someone is a virgin, does not mean someone is sexually pure.  And in other cases, someone may be sexually pure and not be a virgin—i.e. a victim of sexual assault, or a married person who is chaste.  I like the term my wife uses when speaking on sexuality at the non-profit she is associated with.  She talks about sexual integrity.  A rape victim may not be a virgin, but they can maintain their sexual integrity.  A married person won’t be a virgin, but can maintain sexual integrity. On the flip side, someone who is a virgin, but binges on porn, lacks sexual integrity.

Part of my desire as a parent is to teach my sons healthy sexuality.  In addition to helping them know the signs, and hopefully avoid the pitfalls of unhealthy sexuality, teaching them about healthy sexuality can help to protect them from abuse.  

My wife and I started at a very young age talking to our boys about human bodies, especially their bodies. We teach them the correct names of body parts. We have been approached by a few people who, when they discovered our approach, say we are giving our sons too much power.  We disagree.  When the boys know their body parts, if someone touches them in an inappropriate way, they have the language to talk to us about it.  

We’ve discussed pornography.  One way we discuss pornography with the boys is by using the book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/21538451-good-pictures-bad-pictures).  Our desire is to foster an environment that if and when our boys come across pornography, or other questionable material, as awkward as it may be, they will feel safe in coming to talk to us.  

We do not sit down and have one 100 minute conversation about the birds and the bees and all things related to sex with our sons.  We’ve had 50 five minute conversations over a span of years, and in the years to come plan to have 50 more.  We have told our boys they can talk to us at any time about anything related to sex, sexuality, abuse, pornography, and so forth, and we are open to conversations, or we are willing to just listen.  We told them we may not approve or like all they have to say along the way, but we are here to help them along their journey.   

I know that my view of sex was tainted from the start.  Pornography warps sex.  Instead of desiring what is best for one’s partner, and mutual pleasure, pornography places the focus on my pleasure, my desires, and my fulfillment.  If others are harmed in the process, the pornographic mindset says my desires trump the wants, needs, and safety of others. On the flip side, if I love my spouse the way I love myself, I will seek their satisfaction and safety over my own selfish desires.  I will serve them, I will love them, and I will not claim a right to something that cannot be taken, but must be freely given.

When it comes to sex and sexual integrity I want better for my sons.  I want my boys to learn about healthy sexuality, and to go into a sexualized world with their eyes and hearts determined to live lives of integrity.  I don’t want them to learn about sex and sexuality from those who do not have their best interest in mind.  And therefore I do talk about sex with my sons, I will continue to talk about sex with my sons, and I hope to save them, and their future partners, some of the heartbreak that I and my wife and countless other couples have faced.

I have decided to speak up about the grooming and introduction to pornography I was subjected to (see part 1) because I believe things can change and must change.  I have decided to speak up about why and how I think things need to change.  To allow the status quo to remain is to allow more unhealthy sexuality to flourish.  The stakes are too high. When it comes to my past, I cannot change things.  But when it comes to the future, I want to take the lessons I’ve learned, the failures I’ve encountered, and the hopes I have and channel them to bring about change that says the buck stops with me and my generation.  I do not have to settle for a marriage marred by the sins of my past.  I can work to make the next 15 or 50 years of marriage better than the first 15 years of marriage.  I do not have to throw up my hands and give up in defeat that my sons can have healthier view of sex than I had entering marriage.  So, as uncomfortable as it may be, I’ve decided to speak up.

This is also why I’ve decided that the hush-hush and secrecy surrounding pornography must also come to an end.  Pornography is common in our society, as well as in the church.  It shouldn’t be common in either if we truly care about the women or men around us.  But, as long as it is allowed to remain in the shadows, or even encouraged to do so, the problem will persist, grow and flourish.  So, I choose to speak up and say lust and the pornographic approach to sex are a struggle that I have had, and likely will have until the day I die!  But, that doesn’t let me off the hook regarding my complicity to this sin. I must remain open and honest with my wife about my history with pornography, and the damage I know it has played on my thoughts.  My innocence was taken when pornography was introduced to me. However, I compromised my sexual integrity when I continued to access it.  It isn’t enough for the church to just acknowledge that sexual sins are a temptation that men and women have.  The church needs to come alongside those who open up about their struggles and give them the tools necessary to overcome.

My desire is to see both men and women, young and old, long for sexual integrity.  I want to see all of us who have sinned speak up and say “I’ve screwed up.”  I want my parent’s generation to acknowledge that they screwed up.  I want the church to acknowledge where they screwed up.  And then I want all of us to do better.  I want the church to work to remove the silence around pornography use, not so that its use will increase, but so that those caught in its webs will see it for what it is—a trap—and then for the church to point the way to freedom.

Adolescent sexuality in the United States. (2020, June 9). Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adolescent_sexuality_in_the_United_States

Age of First Exposure to Pornography Shapes Men’s Attitudes Toward Women. (2017, August 3). Https://Www.apa.org. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2017/08/pornography-exposure

Lin, W.-H., Liu, C.-H., & Yi, C.-C. (2020). Exposure to sexually explicit media in early adolescence is related to risky sexual behavior in emerging adulthood. PLOS ONE, 15(4), e0230242. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0230242

PECK, P. (2009, September 17). Religious Belief No Barrier to Teen Pregnancy. ABC News; ABC News. https://abcnews.go.com/Health/Sex/study-finds-teen-pregnancy-common-religious-states/story?id=8602283

What to Know About Adolescent Pornography Exposure | Psychology Today. (n.d.). Www.psychologytoday.com. Retrieved July 15, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-addiction/202202/what-know-about-adolescent-pornography-exposure?fbclid=IwAR0u9LLEron14tJ9K1MAP-JeLkXLt27rgsRdt1HtoCnfeh8Lx1j2NOimCfE

Abuse In The Church--A Memoir

In the spring of 1978 my parents welcomed an unusual addition to their lives:  a son.  I was born on Memorial Day, and joined the five daughters my parents had in the first eight years of their marriage.  We lived in a small house, in a average sized town in Western New York.  

As I was approaching school age, my parents decided to try something different when it came to education.  They pulled my school age sisters out of the Christian school they were attending and began to homeschool.  While homeschooling is commonplace today, in 1982 it was almost unheard of.

As the youngest child, and only son, things were a little different for me.  Most of my sisters loved to read, and while I didn’t mind reading, I have always been a slow enough reader that I never had a passion for reading.  From a young age many of my interests revolved around sports.  My family wasn’t a big sports family, but I was and in the process sports became a point of connection in the home.

While I have always enjoyed listening to sports on the radio, my parents got rid of their TV before I was old enough to remember, I especially liked to play sports in the neighborhood.  We lived on a small village lot, and so the neighborhood boys were limited in what we could play.  Touch football, street hockey, and baseball were the regular go to sports.  

The boys in the neighborhood were from varied backgrounds.  Some came from single-parent homes, some were only children, a family a few doors down were Catholic, most were not religious at all.  My parents were suspicious of all of them, for one reason or another, and as a result if I wanted to play with them, it had to be in our yard and on my parents terms.  As we all grew up, by age 10 or so we had outgrown playing in our small back yard and for the most part my interactions with the neighborhood crew ended.

Around the same time, my parents grew wary of the man who was teaching the Sunday School class I was about to enter.  He had told a previous class that reading horoscopes in the newspaper were harmless because it was made up garbage.  My parents took the occult seriously, based on the books, audio sermons, and other information that could be found in our home, and so someone saying anything other than complete condemnation of things like horoscopes was enough to pull their children out of this Sunday School class.  For the next couple years my parents, my youngest sister and myself would sit in our vehicle during the Sunday School hour and my mom would read a Christian book, devotional, or some other inspirational source to us as our own Sunday School class.  As a result, I had little to no interactions with children my age, apart from my five sisters at home who ranged from two years older than me to nine years older than me.

Not much changed until the fall of 1992.  Following the pattern my parents had set with my sisters, when we finished junior high, my parents sent us to a different Christian school for high school.  As a 14 year old I could interact and relate with adults much more than my peers.  I was socially awkward.  But, I had a class of 15 or so peers to interact with.  

The transition from homeschool to going to school, albeit a small private school, was also difficult for me at first.  I was short and fat for a 14 year old.  Entering high school I was five foot tall, and tipped the scale at about 180 pounds.  As I grew taller, my mom didn’t want to spend money on new pants each time I outgrew a pair, so she bought longer pants and put a few stitches in the legs so she could make them longer when needed.  I lost track of how many times I accidentally ripped the stitches, and had to walk around with one pant leg eight inches longer than the other until I got home.

I saved up money my freshman year and was set to go to a Christian camp for teen week.  It would be a time for me to spend more time with my peers in a Christian environment.  But on the Friday before I was to go to camp, I had an accident on my bicycle, breaking my nose, cracking my cheekbone, and having enough road rash to make people feel uncomfortable looking at me.  As a result of the injuries, I had to spend most of the summer at home, no sports, and little to no sunlight—at least until the scabs were gone.  So I was back to being alone, at home.

My sophomore year was an extension of my freshman year.  I was still socially a misfit, but I was starting to learn some social norms, and starting to gain some friends. 

Another change that happened during my sophomore year was one of my sisters began working as a secretary at our church, and started working alongside the youth pastor with the youth group programs.  Before this point, I had not been allowed to go to youth group, or AWANA as a child, because my parents said there was usually not enough supervision, and too much time spent on fun and games.  But with my sister helping out, my mom agreed that if she would pick me up and take me I could go to youth group.  

As the school year came to a close, one of the helpers, who was 19 at the time to my 15-16, began to show interest in me.  As my sister was wrapping things up after youth group, he and I would often shoot hoops in the church gym.  For the first time in my life there was someone who showed interest in me to this extent.  He’d call just to talk.  Once summer vacation started he would drive from his town to sit on the front steps of our house to talk.  We’d play catch in the back yard, walk to the nearby park to play hoops or tennis.  

At the park, we would listen to pop or rock music; neither which were allowed in my home.  He said it was fine and my parents wouldn’t find out.  I still remember it was the summer when All-For-One’s song “I Swear” was atop the charts.  In addition to listening to the forbidden music with him, I would find myself using my Walkman at home to listen to more and more unapproved music at home.  It was a rebellious, but it was enjoyable.

One day he asked if I wanted to learn to play poker.  Granted, poker and playing cards were the devil’s game, and so strictly forbidden in our home and church.  He said it would be our little secret.  Over the weeks that followed, I learned how to play several different card games, wagering pennies or dimes.  It was fun doing something forbidden, and having it a secret.  

One day as we were driving around town, likely going to or coming from the park, he told me to reach under the passenger seat.  I felt something and pulled out a magazine.  It was a Playboy.  

Sex was never mentioned in my home growing up.  Sex was never mentioned in my church growing up.  Sex was never mentioned in my Christian school growing up.  The closest thing to anything related to sex I’d ever been told, indirectly mind you, was when I was 13 my one sister got a free subscription to a sports magazine, a poor mans Sports Illustrated if you will.  When the annual swimsuit issue came in the mail, my mom cut out little hearts from construction paper and glued them over the women’s bodies.  Why my mom didn’t just throw away the magazine I don’t know, but the message she sent was there is something wrong about this.  Nothing else, and I mean nothing, was ever said about sex, sexuality, nudity, pornography, and so forth.  

So, as I turned the pages of the magazine, it was exhilarating for me as a post-pubescent teen.  Once again, the youth group helper said this was our little secret.  He said he would get in a lot of trouble if anyone found out, so I had to promise not to say anything.  And I didn’t.  After all, who would I say something to?  No one in my life had ever opened a door to feel safe talking to them about anything of this sort.  And why would I say anything?  I liked what he was showing me.  I was a minor, and couldn’t even purchase it if I wanted to.  He was an adult, and was my supplier.  As the summer went on, it went from soft-core pornography to hard-core magazines.  Each time I had to promise not to tell anyone.  And I didn’t.  He would ask me what I liked about the pictures.  How it felt to see them.  What I thought it would feel like to do what I was seeing.

As the summer ended, this youth leader began to date a girl in the youth group, a girl younger than me.  That fall I played soccer, and got busy with school, and our time hanging out came to an end.   

While we didn’t hang out anymore, he had opened a door that I would continue to go through for years to come.  

To Be Continued...

Going Deeper With Deep Cuts

For as long as I can recall, music has been a part of my story. No, I never learned to play an instrument, and for the most part I can't sing all that well.  But as a young boy, I was drawn to music.  I remember listening to records of Steve Green, cassette tapes of The Cathedrals, listening to the local Christian and oldies stations in Buffalo, day in and day out.  As my teenage years came into view, my taste in music expanded to include pop, rock, CCM, grunge (I turned 13 in 1991 the year grunge exploded).  

For the first 30 years or so of my life, I was drawn to the hits. While amassing over a thousand albums in my collection, a number of the albums were compilations of the greatest hits of an artist or from a genre.  The songs were familiar.  Maybe I even spun some of them while DJ'ing at the student radio station in college, or added them to the carefully crafted mix-tapes I made for my friends in high school.  There were often memories associated with the songs.  Sometime songs brought back memories of a road trip with friends from college.  Other songs I remember hearing live in concert.  Other songs were tagged with nostalgia of an era of my life.  Many of the songs I knew the lyrics by heart.  Some I still do.

As the decades passed, I slowed down on acquiring new music.  This was a practical move on my part  after marrying and starting a family.   With less new music in my collection, I found myself going back to many of the albums that had produced the hits.  But as I spent more time on the albums, I found myself drawn to the hits less, and zeroing in on the deep cuts.  

I can be a little compulsive at times.  Sometimes I hone in on a topic and will read all I can get my hands on that subject.  Then, after months or in some cases years, I move on to another topic.  I can be that way with artist or albums as well.  A few years into my marriage my wife asked if I could please listen to something other than U2 for a bit.  After all, I had been listening to their discography exclusively for around 9 months at that point, in addition to reading a half dozen or so books about or by the band.  

For the past couple weeks I've honed in on an album that came out the year I started my junior year of high school--1994.  This album produced one of the top Christian music hits of the 90's.  The song "Shine" by the Newsboys was on their album Going Public.  I'm not sure why I returned to this album recently, but I've been drawn to two of the songs especially.  The songs are the last two on the album:  When You Called My Name and Ella G.

In 2018 I stepped down from pastoring a small Mennonite church.  When I was asked to pastor the church I had 3 young sons, and was working about 40 hours a week at my other job.  While responsibilities at the church did take time, it wasn't burdensome.  Six years later, I had five sons, and I was working 50-60 hours a week in addition to my responsibilities at church.  I was burned out.  The small business I started while pastoring had failed, leading to emotional and financial stresses.  My depression was back, a topic I will talk about more later.  I reached a breaking point when someone who didn't know what all my wife and I were going through said some hurtful things, crushing my spirit and leading me to turn my short sabbatical into a resignation.  Several years later, I am still trying to heal from the emotional and spiritual impact that period had on me.

Knowing the emotional, physical and spiritual weight of being a pastor makes the lyrics of When You Called My Name hit home for me now in a way that I couldn't even imagine when I was a teenager listening to the cassette on my walkman on the school bus.  

The song starts off with the pastor wondering if they are having any impact on their church.  

I want to preach the Word
They want massages
I check chapter and verse
They check their watches
I spy another yawn
I might as well be gone

Let's stand and say "Amen"   

The pastor goes on to lay out the emotional, physical and spiritual grind that ministry can take on someone.

Some days I must admit

I still don't get this

Could be it's time to quit

When days get like this

I slip into the night

Then stumble towards the light

Wake up and try again

The second verse is more of the same.  

Could be I'm losing touch
Could be they don't care
Lord knows I don't know much
Lord knows I've been there
I trip toward my retreat
I fall down at Your feet

Get up and try again

A 2021 report by Barna Research found that 65 percent of American pastors are considered to be unhealthy when several areas of well being are looked at (Barna:  

https://www.barna.com/research/pastors-well-being/).  In this regard, the protagonist in the song was ahead of their time.  Especially when it comes to the questioning if they should leave ministry.  The same Barna study found that 38 percent of pastors seriously considered leaving full time ministry in the year leading up to the study, a number that jumps to 46 percent when pastors under the age of 45.  

The chorus of the song turns from introspection to crying out to God, asking in essence why me.

When You called my name

I didn't know how far the calling went

When You called my name

I didn't know what that word really meant

When I recall Your call

I feel

So small

Lord, what did you see

When you called out for me?

As someone who has dealt with depression of varying levels for the past 30 years, this melancholic line of questioning resonates with me.  When I know my weaknesses, and I know my failures, why would God choose me?   

The song ends with the realization that the one thing keeping them from wallowing in despair was the support of a faithful few.

I start losing heart

And then

It comes again

Lifted from despair

By the prayers of someone

Early on in my time as pastor I met with an older church member who was living in an assisted living facility.  Mark told me that he prayed for my family every day, and somedays even twice.  Along with Mark, several other individuals prayed for me and my family daily.  Most of those who told me they prayed for us on a regular basis have now passed away.  Most of them were retired, and as they began to slow down in their physical activity, they shifted their focus to lifting up those around them in another way--through prayer.  As economic factors are forcing individuals to work more hours and work into the years the previous generation had long entered retirement, I wonder if there is a connection between pastor burnout and the time spent by others praying for them? 

The second deep cut that keeps looping on my phone, and in my head, is the song Ella G.  The song's title is a play on the word elegy. Dictionary.com defines elegy as "a mournful, melancholy, or plaintive poem, especially a funeral song or a lament for the dead." 

The song is told from the perspective of a parent whose daughter committed suicide.  Throughout the song the grieving parent is trying to piece together why their child felt the despair that led them to take their own life.  While not perfectly laid out, the lyrics work through the five stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

Thumbs out on a desert road I am told

Leads to nowhere

Any shade is as good as the next

If your shadow doesn't go there

Numb is the word that comes to mind as I hear the haunting music and these lyrics.  The shadow of the death is following them wherever they go.  

Week seven: Did you really asume

I'd find some solace from the letter in your room?

Next life, could you kindly refain

From throwing yourself at the mercy of a train?

And later...

Week nine: I am writing in the sand

Any little clue that could help me understand

Every whispered secret, every muffled sigh

Every half-truth that was added to a lie

Amid the desire to try and piece together what they could have done to not have the tragedy take place, the song delves into deep waters on the topic of depression, suicide, hope, and forgiveness.

One of my favorite Newsboys lyrics is the at the beginning of the second verse.

Maybe this world is a barren place for a soul

Prone to get lost

But heaven still hounds from the smallest sounds

To the cries of the storm-tosed

Throughout my life I've heard Christians talk about going for treatment for physical ailments.  Very few encourage people with cancer to just read the Bible, pray more, and so forth to fix what is wrong with them.  But, far too often mental health issues are chalked up to being a sin issue, and nothing more.  I remember a young lady standing up in church and asking for prayer because she was dealing with depression.  A man stood up after her and told her to pray more, read her Bible, and get rid of sin in her life and the issue would go away.  As someone who also deals with depression, I built up higher walls after his outburst, knowing that wasn't a safe place to share.

The song quickly moves from anger to bargaining.

Silence all, nobody breathe

How in the world could you just leave?

You promised you would

Silence that evil with good

Hear me out, I have the floor

I'll give you my tears, I'll listen more

You promised you would

Overcome evil with good

As the song moves on, we start to see questions about depression, and suicide and spiritual issues come to the forefront.  

A Child of the Kingdom; still an invalid

Forgive her, please Father

She don't know what she did

Is suicide an unforgivable sin?  Does the status of one's mental health change our thoughts on this subject?  Do we as followers of Jesus play a role in such a person's death, if we deny them the help that they may need?  I like how this young lady is described.  "A child of the Kingdom; still an invalid."  Aren't we all broken in one way or another?  Does our brokenness make us any less a child of the Kingdom?  

Then we have to think about what Jesus did on the cross.  If the gift of forgiveness and salvation are dependent on what we do, or don't do, how does this change our view of what salvation is?

Silence all, now go to sleep

The water's free, the well is deep

How can we return

That which we never could earn?

There are many questions that this side of eternity I'm not sure we will ever find answers to.  So, eventually we need to trust God to do what is right and leave it up to Him.

God, I long to see her face

We haven't a hope

Beyond Your grace

I know that You will

Overcome evil

For good

And there we have it.  "We haven't a hope beyond (God's) grace.  

These two songs aren't your typical 90's Christian songs.  They delve into topics that are uncomfortable.  They ask questions that aren't easy to answer, if we can answer them at all.  And that's probably why they weren't the hits.  As a 16 year old, I skipped these songs because they weren't peppy and fun.  As a 44 year old, they mean a lot more to me than their more popular tracks on the album.  Nowadays, I find myself skipping the hits to find the gems buried deeper.  And one of the lessons I'm learning to accept more and more is it's ok to have Jesus and a therapist and good music that makes me think.