“When you’re 20 you care what everyone thinks, when you’re 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks, when you’re 60 you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.”
I came across this quote a few years ago. And while the ages may vary somewhat, I found a lot of truth in its premises. Spending the first 40 years of my life in the circles I did came with a lot of expectations. Different circles had different roles that I was to play. And, while slight deviations may be tolerated, if I didn’t stay in my assigned lane, I would overstay my welcome.
At a few different points in my life, I have felt more at liberty to spread my wings to try and find out who I was. But, in hindsight, I see that even in those situations it didn’t take long for others to form their opinions of who I should be. Sometimes people would verbalize their opinions, but other times the expectations were unspoken. My inherited culture values conformity over individuality. After short-lived periods of trying to find out who I was, inevitably I stifled my individuality and conformed.
Around age 40 I started to find my voice. I began to speak up about the grooming that had taken place at the church I attended as a child. I began to express that spiritual abuse had taken place at different points in my life. In my mid-30's, as I studied the words of Jesus more and more, I had a shift in my thinking regarding victims of injustice, whether they be abuse victims, victims of sexism, victims of racism, and so on. And when I began to speak up for the oppressed, I received considerable push back from many in the circles I had camped in for my entire life. But I was moving from the first stage in the above quote to the second stage. If something is the right thing to do, it is right no matter what opposition I face. This is a lesson I’d taught my sons since they were old enough to understand. Now, it was time for me to practice what I was preaching.
Finding my voice, and trying once again to find out who I am, has been a difficult and lonely journey. As I learned more about myself, I learned that some of my friendships were unhealthy. I learned that it is necessary at times to place boundaries, that if ignored by those in your life may lead to ending relationships. I also have learned that if one doesn’t fit neatly into easily defined boxes, they may struggle to ever feel at home. This journey is not one I enjoy. But it is the journey I need to be on.
As I openly discuss with my sons the pitfalls that plagued my life for 40 years, I hope that maybe they will not fall into the same traps that I allowed myself to stay stuck in. Maybe, they will be mentally and spiritually healthier at age 20 than I am at 45. And maybe at 45 they will be thriving, instead of just trying to figure life out.
